I am just like you. My personal story has been wrought with intense internal warfare between parts of mySelf that are joyful, awe-filled, incredibly innocent, trusting, at peace with what is, and deeply loving AND the parts of mySelf identified and immersed in guilt, shame, rejection-dejection, emotionally overly sensitive to the cruelties of the world, exhausted from the endless and seemingly fruitless search for sustained happiness as promulgated by New Age Bullshit, and trapped in a deep sense of undeserving, worthlessness, isolation, and mistrust.
I spent many years and over $75,000 in talk therapy into my late 20s, endeavouring to live my life fully awake and in utter perfection and peace—only to discover that the harder I tried—the more dramatic my life became, and the more I was stuck in my head—over-analysing and evaluating everything and everyone around me. I was caught in second-guessing hell. I wanted the fuck out! With the guidance of several awakened mentors, I gave up the “spiritually perfect” striving and gave mySelf PERMISSION TO RELAX into my true nature, as my true nature.
WHEW! What a relief it was to discover that being spiritually awake doesn’t grant you immunity to life’s ups and downs, but gives you deeper access to feeling everything, uncensored.
I was an unwanted first-born child. My birth was surrounded by huge dramas surrounding my mother’s character—she was shamed and blamed by her arranged husband’s family and was in many ways banished. She was a brilliant woman, but bound to tribal laws that squashed her own sense of self—particularly her creativity and self-expression—she sacrificed herSelf to honour her family. Had my mother been born in the 90s, rather than the mid-30s—she would have rocked her world in ways that would have fulfilled her, rather than suppress and frustrate her true nature.
Because I had inherited the same self-limiting, mind control programs, I grew up feeling worthless and incompetent and responsible for my mother’s unhappy life. I was blamed and shamed for expressing mySelf by constantly being “shushed” and told to “tone down” my natural enthusiasm for life. I was mercilessly criticised for everything I did or didn’t do, and was made wrong for things that never concerned me. As a result, my psychic abilities and my ability to be hyper-responsible for mySelf and others were mastered by the time I was 6 years old.
I had several spiritual awakenings—the first of which occurred when I was 2 years old. I spent many a night awake and gazing deeply into the night’s sky when I was supposed to be asleep. I cherished the diamond-like sparkling stars contrasting the dark, velvety indigo sky. When I wasn’t watching the skies, I was tuned in and communicating with the light-beings who surrounded me in my darkened bedroom (and everywhere else). These light-beings were like the stars—spheres in many different colours, rotating clockwise and counter-clockwise, effervescent and buoyant. This first awakening came with the delightful discovery that when the lights were out in my bedroom, whether or not my eyes were closed, or open, regardless of whether or not I was under the covers—what I saw when looking into the dark was the same image as the expanse of the night sky with all the majesty of so many stars. Ah, stardust! Go ahead—try it for yourSelf and you’ll see what I mean. I knew that I was made from this stardust, just like all my cats, dogs, bunnies, turtles, birds, fish, dolphins and whales, frogs, snakes and lizards, the bees, beetles and ladybugs, the butterflies and spiders, and all other beings, plus all the trees and flowers, the rocks and crystals I love so much, etc., and all the other fellow humans—even if they were mean.
My second awakening came when I was 4 years old with the realisation that I was very different from most people surrounding me. This made me sad, yet I was aware that I was being directed by the Divine to be discriminating about my abilities for my own personal safety. While I understood this internally, I also never denied my abilities and practiced them daily. These abilities ranged from utilising my intuition and intending specific outcomes (which worked every single time!), to healing those around me energetically and “taking on” certain energies to relieve suffering in others, including our animal friends. I had this secret healing ritual of creating a bubble of “violet” light (my favourite colour) above my head in order to silently “talk” to God and the healing angels—as if to meet God and the angels on their level—mostly I didn’t want my family members to hear me talking to God, my conversations were private, plus they all thought I was crazy, anyway.
My third awakening came at age 13 when I realised I had the ability to heal from a distance.
My fourth awakening came at age 27 when I realised that I was living a lie by denying my true nature. I began an unwinding, if you will, of the layers upon layers of the masking of my true nature by all the false pretenses and ideas I tried to hold mySelf to, but failed miserably to do so. Much to the judgment and dismay of my friendships and relationships with folks I now realise were addicts, narcissists, and sociopaths, I could no longer live a life so out of integrity, without energetically, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually harming mySelf. I believed in my heart and soul that continuing to live this way was truly an act of violence—that I was contributing to divisiveness and war through my non-acceptance of mySelf. It was during this time that I experienced some of my darkest of moments as I uncovered and faced certain truths that required me to die to mySelf—that is let go and release every erroneous belief and notion that prevented me from truly embodying my Divinity and living in right alignment.
In bright contrast to this “dark night of the soul”—I was also being gifted and downloaded with a series of dreams that outlined the healing modality that I was to pioneer and birth. Through a series of dreams over a 9 month period from 1987-1988—Absolute Balanced Mastery was birthed through me. Each dream outlined a specific component of this emotional-energetic healing technology that specifically aligns Heart, Mind, and Body with the Divine. While I trusted the process—I kept this information secret—to everyone else around me it looked as though Marja-my personality on the outside—was losing her mind and having a nervous breakdown. How could I explain to the people around me that I saw through the veils of this percepton-managed, mind-controlled world. I took solace in letting them think and believe what they wanted about me—I knew my heart was cracking open—I was having a spiritual crisis and breakthrough. It was no longer okay for me to lie–whether blatantly or by omission to get along; I was learning not to give a shit about what others thought about me, and living true to this came with great consequence and personal cost. I have been the target of hate mail and threats. My big healing website with nearly eleven years of content and coursework and videos was recently hacked and all my work vanished into thin air, its backups also corrupted. I have lost friends and colleagues because I will not subscribe to pop culture nor will I ever be a sycophant. Women’s groups and New Age Bullshit Goddess forums have shunned me because I have maintained since my college days that the biggest perpetrators of women are women themselves because of their unconscious allegiance to sex slavery in all its forms, and gender divisiveness that keep women over-identified with victim consciousness, only to-be-turned-into-justified-perpetrators engaging in unconscious masculine behaviour. As a True Feminist, I believe in equality in rights under Natural Law. I’m not a man-hater and don’t agree with Neo-Feminism or the FemiNazis, most of whom would in a heartbeat cull and take out every man on the planet.
It’s been nearly three decades since my world service began, and I have been blessed all throughout my life. Traveling all over the world, traveling internally—on the astral in dreamtime, and inter-dimensionally with other-worldly beings, I have witnessed and experienced firsthand the very worst in women and men, in addition to the cruelties of the world… the contrasting magnanimous natures of humanity and Nature ItSelf. It is my intention to live my life as a beacon of conscious Divine Presence, embodied in Love, Truth, Beauty, and Freedom in this female body, accessing and expressing the full range of human emotion and experience from one extreme to the other and everything in between—wielding my inner masculine and inner feminine as the moment, Life, and the Divine direct me—beyond my personalised wants and needs—all in service to Divine Love, Truth, Beauty, and Freedom. Let the people beware, I am Divine light. I am Divine Love! Aham Prema!